I’ve always considered myself a kind person, but now that I know better, I would say I was a nice person, not a kind person.
I’m glad I now know the difference between being kind and being nice, and I realized that I have been nice all along.
Let me tell you the difference between kindness and niceness.
I promise it’ll deliver you, especially if you are a people-pleaser like me, well, former me. lol
I’ll use a story to paint a picture so you can understand.
Let’s say, for example, your friend calls you on Friday night asking if you can watch her kids tomorrow, Saturday.
No real emergency, she just wants a spa day.
Not bad, we all need to make self-care a priority, the problem is just that you’ve been exhausted for weeks, and this Saturday was supposed to be the day you finally rest, even if you won’t sleep.
Just rest, and do absolutely nothing.
But you say “Of course! No problem!” because that’s what nice people do.
Saturday comes, you’re exhausted and resentful, watching her kids while she posts spa selfies on her Instagram stories.
You can’t even be mad at her because you said yes.
Now, that’s being nice, saying yes when you want to say no, and abandoning your own needs to avoid disappointing someone.
Being kind in that same situation is saying, “I can’t do this time, but I hope you enjoy your spa day.”
She might be disappointed, but she’ll ask someone else.
The friendship doesn’t end, and the world doesn’t collapse.
She just finds another option.
I know you might be thinking, ”Where does compromise in relationships come in here?”
I’m honestly asking myself the same thing because I believe relationships come with expectations and compromise.
You can’t be a good friend or partner if you only want to do things when it’s convenient for you.
Now, if she were in a real emergency and needed you, you could sacrifice your weekend for her.
If she has been there for you and you know she’d do the same for you, you could watch the kids for a few hours and tell her that.
If she’s a good friend, she won’t take advantage of you.
Now back to me.
I used to be that person who felt bad about not being able to help, especially when I’m asked for help.
But not anymore.
The one thing I stopped feeling guilty about was saying no!
What Changed When I Stopped Feeling Guilty
Oh, the freedom I now feel for saying no is unmatched.
Earlier this year, an acquaintance asked for a loan to pay her daughter’s school fees.
I promised to help and asked her to remind me the following week.
I got home that day, and after reviewing my budget for the month, I realized I’d resent myself if I gave her the loan.
I decided I’d give her what I could afford to let go of instead of loaning her the full amount she asked for.
If you’ve ever heard, ”Don’t loan an amount you can’t write off” better believe it.
I sent her a message concerning my decision and gave her what I could that would make me sleep well at night (which was even one-third of the loan she asked for).
She appreciated me, and that was it.
No drama or guilt trip.
Old me would have given her the full amount even though I couldn’t afford it, then spent the next three months stressed about my own bills while silently resenting her.
New me gave what I could genuinely give without resentment and still helped someone.
That’s the difference.
I’m now happier because there’s no pressure to please everyone.
Turns out doing things out of guilt is exhausting.
Now, I own my generosity, not just about money or my availability, but about everything.
I can’t help everyone, I’m not the Messiah.
The Guilt Will Try to Come Back
I’m not going to lie and say the guilt disappeared overnight.
It still shows up sometimes, because honestly, I love helping people.
I only need to learn how to do that without hurting myself and being taken advantage of.
Trust me, we live in a dog-eat-dog world, and people will ”eat” you if you don’t have boundaries.
The moment people realise you have a good heart, they’ll use you until you are useless to yourself.
You know how Jesus said we should be ”gentle as doves and wise as serpents?”
That’s exactly what I’m learning to do.
Be kind, but not naive, generous, but not foolish.
So now, when guilt rears its ugly head, I’ve learned to recognize it for what it is: a habit, not the truth.