If I had a dollar every time I hear “be yourself,” I’d have a private jet by now.
“Just be yourself!”
We hear it before going for a job interview, when dating, when we’re trying to make friends, or even put ourselves out on social media to create content.
“Don’t try too hard, just be yourself! Be authentic. People will love you for who you are.” Blah blah
And every single time, I want to scream: Which self!!!?
Hehehe!
Because “being yourself” is terrible advice, and can set you up to fail, and I’ll tell you why.
Not Every Version of You Deserves to Be Unleashed
I have multiple versions of myself, and trust me, not all of them should see the light of day in every situation.
There’s the me who wakes up grumpy and doesn’t want to talk to anyone.
There’s the me who gets petty when someone, especially my husband, annoys me. Heck, I block him on WhatsApp when I’m so pissed or change his name on my phone. Yeah, I’ll grow up, but let me be petty sometimes. 😩
There’s the me who wants to eat junk food for every meal and never exercise.
There’s the me who would rather binge-watch series all day instead of being productive.
There’s the me who loves my children more than life, but sometimes, I don’t want to hear anyone call me “mummy”!
If I “just be myself” and let whichever version shows up run the show, my life would be a total shit show.
My relationships would suffer, my business would fail, I wouldn’t fulfill my potential, and my health would deteriorate.
“Being yourself” without any filter or self-awareness is lazy and potentially destructive.
The uncomfortable truth is that sometimes, the “real you” in the moment is tired, irritable, insecure, petty, or just not your best self.
And bringing that version to wherever you need to show up, maybe a job interview, a date, social media, or an important meeting, is self-sabotage!
Being appropriate for the situation is more important than being yourself.
For instance, I don’t act the same way with my children as I do with my husband.
I don’t talk to my pastor the same way I talk to my best friend.
I don’t present myself at a business meeting the same way I do at a girls’ night out.
I’m not being fake; that’s called having social intelligence.
It’s understanding that different contexts require different versions of you, and being smart enough to know which version to bring out when.
When I’m with my close friends, I’m unbelievably silly and unfiltered, but my co-workers will never see me that way because I understand context.
The “be yourself” advice ignores the fact that adaptability is a valuable skill, not a character flaw.
“Be Yourself” Sometimes Means “Stay Mediocre”
Another ugly truth is this: sometimes, “yourself” isn’t good enough yet.
If, like me, you’re naturally shy and you want to grow your business, “being yourself” and staying quiet in networking situations will limit you.
I’m a creative introvert who doesn’t love the limelight, yet I write songs, I record them, and I’ll have to put myself out there if I don’t want to be the only one listening to my songs.
So as you can see, I can’t be myself! Can’t remain myself.
Also, if you’re naturally conflict-avoidant, like me (again), and you want healthy relationships, “being yourself” and sweeping issues under the carpet will ensure you never have a healthy relationship.
Sometimes, you need to become a better version of yourself, and that requires changing, adapting, and acting differently than you naturally would.
You have to push past your natural inclination because your goals might require you to be more than just your default self, and that’s called growth, darl.
And another problem with this advice is that most people don’t know who they are yet.
How can you be yourself when you don’t even know yourself?
How can you be what you don’t know?
This is usually key for young people who are still figuring life out.
Telling a 22-year-old to “just be yourself” is useless because they’re still discovering who that is.
Your “self” isn’t fixed.
It changes as you grow, learn, experience life, and mature.
The person I was at 25 is not the person I am now.
Thank God for that, because 25-year-old me made some questionable choices. 😂
If I had stubbornly committed to “being myself” as I was back then, I wouldn’t have grown into the person I am today.
Sometimes, you need to try on different versions of yourself to figure out which one fits best, and that’s very okay.
So instead of “just being yourself”, do these:
Be your best self, not whatever version of you shows up on any given day, but the best version, the one who’s aligned with your goals and values.
Like being the you who’s disciplined when lazy-you wants to sleep in.
Be situationally aware. I already explained context earlier.
Understand context and adapt accordingly.
There’s nothing wrong with presenting differently in different situations.
I’m not the same person to everyone, and I’m not the same way everywhere.
Context matters, babes.
Be intentional about who you want to become instead of just “being yourself” by default.
What kind of person do you want to be?
What goals are you working toward?
What are your dreams and aspirations?
Who and where do you see yourself in the next five to ten years?
Then show up as that person, even when it’s not natural yet.
Eventually, it will become natural.
So, still wanna be yourself?
I guess not.