We always think of the big marriage destroyers, like cheating, abuse, and addiction, as things that can blow up a marriage overnight.
Well, sometimes, a marriage doesn’t blow up. It wears out.
It’s death by a thousand tiny cuts.
Look, sometimes the biggest threat to your marriage isn’t another woman, another man, or your in-laws, but the habits you’ve both allowed to grow unchecked.
So before you point fingers at your spouse, check yourself too.
If you’re doing these things, you are destroying your marriage:
If You’re Doing These 7 Things, You’re Destroying Your Own Marriage
1. You Keep Comparing Your Marriage to Other People’s Marriages
Humans compare. It’s what we do.
And it’s even worse in this age of social media, where you know many things against your will.
You didn’t ask how much somebody’s husband spent on her birthday, but Instagram has informed you.
You didn’t ask where they went for their anniversary, but now you’ve seen the hotel, the flowers, the matching pajamas and the breakfast tray.
Before you know it, you’re looking at your husband like, “Hmmm, there are real men in this life!”
Meanwhile, you know absolutely nothing about that marriage.
You don’t know what happened before the flowers arrived or what she cries about privately.
See, sometimes, the couples who post the sweetest captions are dealing with things you wouldn’t tolerate for five minutes.
Comparison is dangerous when it stops being observation and starts creating dissatisfaction.
Because that is when the good things your spouse does don’t feel good enough because someone else’s spouse appears to be doing more.
There will always be a marriage that looks better than yours from the outside.
And somebody may be looking at yours thinking the exact same thing.
Don’t become so busy admiring somebody else’s marriage that you stop watering your own.
2. You Tell Everybody Your Marriage Problems Except Your Spouse
This one is very common.
You know why?
Because it’s easier to discuss your spouse than to discuss the problem with your spouse.
No one likes difficult conversations.
It’s easier to call your best friend and say, “Can you imagine what this man did?”
You can rant and receive plenty of “Ah ah! He did whaaaat?” and go to bed feeling validated.
Talking to your spouse is different because now you have to explain how you feel, listen to their side, possibly hear something you don’t like, admit where you were wrong, and work toward a solution.
That part isn’t as enjoyable as the group chat.
Everyone can know you’re unhappy except the person who has the power to change something.
Your bestie knows you’re angry about something your husband said three weeks ago.
While your husband is downstairs watching football, thinking everything is fine.
You cannot expect someone to fix a problem you’ve only discussed with everybody else.
And another problem with oversharing is that you may forgive your spouse long before the people you told do.
You two argue on Tuesday, reconcile on Thursday, and cuddle on Friday.
Meanwhile, your friend is still looking at him sideways at Christmas because she remembers the 22-minute voice note you sent when you were furious.
Talk to each other.
Difficult conversations are uncomfortable, yes, but avoiding them doesn’t protect your marriage.
3. You’ve Stopped Being Curious About Your Spouse
When people say they divorced because they “fell out of love,” I sometimes wonder what that means.
Because people rarely wake up one morning and suddenly discover that all their love has disappeared.
More often, they stop doing the little things that keep love alive and stop being curious about each other.
The person you married eight years ago isn’t exactly the person sleeping beside you today.
And if you’ve stopped asking, you can become strangers who happen to know each other’s routines, but you don’t really know each other anymore.
Never assume you’ve finished discovering your spouse.
Marriage is continuing to get to know the many versions of that person you’ll meet along the way.
4. You Expect Your Spouse to Read Your Mind
If you still expect that your spouse should know what you want because you’ve been married for years, I have unfortunate news for you: marriage does not come with telepathy.
Your spouse can know you very well and still not know what is happening inside your head at every moment.
Sometimes you don’t even understand why you’re upset until you’ve had time to think about it, yet this innocent human being is supposed to crack the code from the way you closed the kitchen cabinet.
And this habit can damage a marriage because it creates problems your spouse doesn’t even know about.
Maybe you wanted him to plan something special for your birthday, but you never said anything because “he should know.”
You wanted help around the house, but you kept doing everything yourself and became resentful.
Then eventually you explode.
And your spouse is wondering how you went from “I’m fine” to a three-year documentary about everything they’ve ever done wrong.
Please, communicate.
Say what you need and ask for what you want.
Yes, it’s beautiful when your spouse anticipates your needs without being told, but that should be a sweet bonus of knowing each other well.
5. You Talk to Your Spouse With Less Respect Than You Give Strangers
I once read an article stating that one of the strongest predictors of divorce is contempt.
And honestly, it makes sense because disagreements don’t necessarily destroy marriages.
Two people can disagree every other day and still truly love each other.
The problem is when disagreement turns into disrespect.
You speak politely to the cashier who gets your order wrong.
You say “please” and “thank you” to strangers.
Then you get home and speak to your spouse anyhow.
“Are you stupid?”
“You never use your brain.”
“That’s why you can never get anything right.”
”What is wrong with you?”
Then there are the eye rolls, mocking, sneering, and sarcasm.
That’s contempt.
Of course, your spouse will do things that annoy you, but anger doesn’t give you permission to humiliate them.
Watch how you speak when you’re angry.
6. You Keep Score Instead of Solving Problems
You already know by now that marital issues are inevitable.
There’s no marriage without misunderstandings and those occasional moments when you look at the person you married and wonder, “Was I not there when I chose you?”
What you do when those issues arise will determine the fate of your marriage.
Because nothing weakens a marriage more than keeping score instead of solving the problem.
Your spouse says, “I didn’t like the way you spoke to me yesterday.”
Instead of addressing that, you say, “Oh really? What about the way YOU spoke to me last month?”
And just like that, court is in session.
Exhibit A: what happened at Christmas.
Exhibit B: what his mother said three years ago.
Now nobody is solving anything.
You’re just competing to determine who has been the worse spouse.
The problem with scorekeeping is that even when you win the argument, your marriage loses.
Learn to deal with the issue in front of you.
If your spouse says they’re hurt, listen before presenting your own list of grievances.
You’re supposed to be on the same team.
7. You Use Divorce or Leaving as a Weapon During Arguments
If you don’t actually want to divorce your spouse, stop introducing divorce into every serious argument.
I know I’m guilty of this sometimes.
You’re angry, hurt, frustrated, and before you know it, “Maybe we should just go our separate ways.” Or “I can’t do this anymore.”
Meanwhile, two hours later, you’ve calmed down, and you’re wondering what you’re both eating for dinner.
Unfortunately, your spouse may not forget those words as quickly as you do.
Every time you threaten to leave, you introduce insecurity into the marriage.
Your spouse starts wondering, Is our marriage really one argument away from ending?
Conflict should be a place where you fight for a solution, not where you repeatedly threaten the existence of the relationship itself.
How can someone feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you when every difficult conversation comes with the possibility of you packing your bags?
Don’t repeatedly threaten something you don’t actually want to happen.
The difficult thing about marriage is that loving someone doesn’t automatically make you good at being married to them.
You don’t need a new marriage. You need new habits in the one you already have.