They say confidence is the new sexy, and I totally agree.
But then, confidence can be lost.
You can be a confident woman today and still go through experiences that make you question yourself.
Because confidence isn’t some permanent personality trait that, once you have it, nobody can touch.
Life can humble you, chile.
And these are some of the biggest culprits that make a woman lose her confidence:
6 Things That Make a Woman Lose Her Confidence
1. Constant Criticism
Just yesterday, my live-in help thanked me for helping her believe in herself, and the conversation got me thinking about how much the words we repeatedly hear shape how we see ourselves.
She grew up without her parents and had to live with her paternal aunt, who made her life miserable.
She constantly said things to her that no child should have to hear.
Unfortunately, those words followed her into adulthood.
By the time she came to live with us about 18 months ago, she had very low self-esteem.
You could see that she didn’t believe very much in herself or in what she was capable of doing.
But over time, I started noticing a change.
I encouraged her constantly.
When she did something well, I told her.
When I noticed something good about her, I said it.
I paid for her to attend fashion school because she was interested in beading, and now she beads clothes and jewelry, earning money from her skill.
And the beautiful thing is that she sees the difference in herself too.
She’s happier and more confident.
She’s beginning to see that maybe all those terrible things she was told about herself growing up were never true.
That’s the frightening thing about constant criticism.
If someone tells you that you’re stupid once, you might brush it off.
But imagine hearing some version of “You’re stupid. You’re useless. You can’t do anything right” repeatedly for years, especially when you’re young.
Eventually, their voice will become your inner voice.
This doesn’t only happen to children.
A grown woman can enter a relationship feeling confident and slowly become a shadow of herself because she’s with someone who criticizes everything she does.
Words are powerful like that.
2. Speaking Negatively About Herself All the Time
As if it’s not bad enough that other people sometimes say terrible things about us, some of us have decided to join them and become our own full-time critics.
“I’m so stupid.”
“I’m ugly.”
“Nobody would want me.”
“I can never do anything right.”
“Look at how fat I’ve become.”
“I’m such a failure.”
And sometimes we disguise it as humor.
You make a mistake and immediately say, “God, I’m so dumb.”
Someone compliments you, and instead of saying thank you, you start arguing with them.
“Beautiful where? Have you seen my stomach?”
Of course, being confident doesn’t mean you have to stand in front of the mirror every morning chanting that you’re the most beautiful, intelligent, extraordinary woman who ever walked the earth.
You should be able to acknowledge your flaws and laugh at yourself.
But there’s a difference between being self-aware and constantly tearing yourself apart.
Imagine having an enemy following you around all day saying, “You’re not good enough. You’re unattractive.”
You’d eventually tell that person to get lost.
So why are you allowed to speak to yourself that way?
Confidence is not thinking you’re perfect.
It’s knowing you’re imperfect and still refusing to treat yourself like rubbish.
Pay attention to the way you speak about yourself, especially when nobody else is listening.
Because if you’re going to live with one voice for the rest of your life, it might as well be one that isn’t constantly trying to destroy you.
3. Being Cheated On
No matter how confident you are as a woman, being cheated on shakes something inside you.
You know you’re intelligent, successful, interesting, sexy, and an absolute catch.
But when someone you love chooses to betray you, it’s difficult not to wonder, “What did she have that I didn’t?”
And that’s where the confidence spiral begins.
You start looking at her pictures if you know who she is.
She’s younger than you? Maybe I’m getting old.
She’s slimmer? You start examining the stomach you were perfectly fine with two weeks ago.
She’s less successful? Then you’re confused because what exactly was he looking for?
And if she looks nothing like the kind of woman you imagined he’d risk your relationship for, that can mess with your head too.
Because betrayal doesn’t always follow a logic that makes sense to the person who was betrayed.
That’s why I hate when people compare a woman who was cheated on to the other woman.
Sometimes, the affair had very little to do with who was prettier, sexier, smarter, younger, or “better.”
People cheat on gorgeous, intelligent, loving women and women who are incredible in bed.
They cheat on women who supported them when they had nothing.
Anyways, somebody else’s inability to honor their commitment is not evidence that you weren’t worthy of one.
4. Repeated Rejection
I had a friend who searched for a professional job in line with her career for almost ten years without success.
Ten freaking years.
At some point, I told her, “Maybe you should just give up already.”
Because I was worried about what the constant rejection was doing to her, not because I didn’t believe in her.
There’s only so many times you can apply for something you’re qualified for, get your hopes up, attend interviews, wait anxiously for that phone call, and then hear “Unfortunately…” before you start wondering if maybe you’re not as good as you thought you were.
Thankfully, she didn’t listen to me. 😂
She kept trying, and eventually, she got the kind of job she had been looking for.
But the truth remains that even a confident person can begin to doubt herself when she hears “no” enough times.
Not just professional rejection. Imagine being rejected romantically again and again.
You meet someone you like, things seem promising, and then he disappears.
You date another person, and he doesn’t want anything serious.
After a while, you start thinking there’s something wrong with you.
The same thing can happen with friendships, business, auditions, school applications, creative work, or anything else where you’re putting yourself out there.
Rejection hurts because it’s very difficult not to take it personally.
5. Losing Herself in Marriage or Motherhood
I’ve been a wife for ten years and a mom for eight, and I can tell you how exhausting it is to constantly be needed by others.
Sometimes, I wish I could disappear.
Not permanently, please. 😂
Just me, somewhere quiet, doing absolutely nothing for anybody.
As beautiful as marriage and motherhood can be, they can consume a woman if she’s not careful.
You stop doing your hair because there’s no time.
You stop seeing your friends, you abandon hobbies you once loved, your dreams keep getting pushed to “when the children are older,” and you don’t buy things for yourself without first thinking about what everybody else needs.
Confidence isn’t only about thinking you’re beautiful.
A huge part of it comes from having an identity.
It’s knowing who you are, what you enjoy, what you’re good at, what you want, and what makes you feel alive.
When your entire identity becomes serving other people, you lose touch with that woman.
The solution is not to love your husband or children less, but to remember that you still belong to yourself too.
6. Trying Desperately to Be Liked by Everyone
No matter how amazing you are, some people will not like you.
Are you money? Even money is not loved by everyone. 😂
You could be kind, generous, beautiful, intelligent, funny, mind your business, and somebody somewhere will still decide that there’s just something about you they don’t like.
Sometimes, you haven’t even done anything to them. Maybe your personality rubs them the wrong way.
You have to understand that trying to create a version of yourself that everybody will approve of is an exhausting full-time job with terrible benefits.
It will destroy your confidence.
Confidence requires being able to survive somebody’s disapproval.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should become obnoxious and start saying, “I don’t care what anybody thinks!” whenever someone corrects you.
Sometimes, people don’t like your behavior because it really stinks.
Listen to criticism, apologize when you’re wrong, grow, and be considerate.
But don’t confuse being a good person with being universally liked.
The good news is that confidence can be rebuilt too.
Change the way you speak to yourself, stop begging for acceptance, leave environments that constantly make you feel small, and do something you’ve been afraid to do.
You don’t need to become a completely different woman.
You just need to stop participating in the destruction of the one you already are.