Affairs are terrible!
They are one of the leading causes of divorce everywhere in the world, and it’s why every relationship blog you read writes about infidelity so much, and understandably so.
Betrayals hurt, and they deserve the buzz, but there’s another phenomenon, subtle but dangerous, going on in so many marriages that doesn’t get the attention it should.
It’s called affection starvation, and it is quietly destroying more marriages than we can imagine.
Yes, men and women are victims, but this is a women’s blog, so we’ll be focusing on the women.
By affection starvation, I’m not talking about women who are in obviously bad marriages, and this is why this is subtly dangerous.
I’m talking about women who are technically fine, you know, the bills are paid, kids are fine, nobody is shouting, the marriage looks intact from the outside..
But they can’t remember the last time their husband touched them without obligation or as a precursor to genital gymnastics.
Women need affection the way plants need water, and when we don’t get it, we don’t just feel sad about it.
We start to change in ways that would alarm our husbands if they were paying enough attention to notice.
Here is what those changes look like:
When Women Are Starved of Affection in Marriage, These 4 Things Happen
1. We become obsessed with our appearance, but not for the reasons you think
People have different reasons for becoming obsessed with their appearance.
Mine, for instance, is intentional personal development.
I am taking my personal styling seriously, building my personal brand, and to show myself I mean business, I enrolled in a personal styling class.
It has been eye-opening to understand my body type, what works for it, what doesn’t, and why certain cuts and colors make me look and feel more like myself.
That is a healthy obsession, a woman investing in herself.
But that is not the woman we are talking about today.
The woman we are talking about is the one who became obsessed with her appearance on the day she realized her husband had stopped noticing it.
She is not doing it from a place of confidence and self-investment, but from a place of quiet desperation.
Trying to make herself impossible to ignore by the one person who has learned to ignore her.
New hair every week, new clothes that cost more than she budgeted for, a skincare routine she never cared about before, and when he still doesn’t notice, she hopes a stranger’s passing compliment will give her what her husband’s silence won’t.
She knows it sounds pathetic, but she does it anyway.
Because when the person who is supposed to see you has stopped looking, you will take being seen from wherever you can get it.
2. We escape into other worlds
Every woman daydreams. You can’t blame us. Real life is tough sometimes.
I sometimes imagine myself vacationing in Paris with my husband and no kids around, looking over beautiful buildings, sipping coffee in the morning, and shopping in the afternoon.
Just enjoying myself with no care in the world. Oh God, make it happen! Especially the never needing to worry about money part. 🙏😂
Anyways, back to my reality, which is writing this post, when fantasy becomes the only place you feel like yourself, that’s no longer escapism.
You are so checked out of your real life that you live primarily in your head.
You’ve written entire alternative lives in there. A different city, maybe a different partner, and a happier version of yourself.
You’ve imagined outcomes that will never happen, and sometimes those imagined versions feel more real and more nourishing than anything in your actual day.
Your real life has stopped feeding you, so your mind went looking for food somewhere else.
Fantasy is not the problem, but a life so depleted that fantasy is your primary source of joy is.
3. She becomes vulnerable to the wrong attention
No matter how strong and independent a woman is, she still has a basic human need to feel seen and be loved.
And when her husband stops meeting that need, she becomes vulnerable in ways she never expected.
Have you ever seen a woman so respected and seemingly untouchable fall into a situation she would have judged in another woman five years ago?
Maybe an emotional entanglement or even a full-blown affair she cannot fully explain even to herself?
Before you judge her, ask what was happening at home, not that it’s an excuse. There’s no justifiable reason for betrayal.
The thing about affection starvation is that it doesn’t discriminate.
So, it does not only happen to women who were already insecure or looking for trouble.
It happens to the strong ones too, the ones who never thought they were capable of being moved by another man’s attention.
She is not looking for an affair; she’s just looking for the feeling her marriage used to give her.
The tragedy is that she has gone looking for it in a place that will cost her everything.
Neglect opens some doors, and a woman who has been starved of affection will eventually walk through one, because she is human, not because she’s weak.
4. Her friendships become her primary emotional home
No one needs her girlfriends more than a woman who is not getting what she needs at home.
It’s why I always say don’t let a man make you drop your girlfriends.
This is exactly why.
I’m not saying all men are bad, but life is long, and people change, and you need women in your corner who knew you before and will know you after.
When a woman’s emotional needs are being met entirely outside her marriage, what is left between husband and wife is usually habit and history, not intimacy.
Not really.
To the husband reading this, I want you to know that affection is not a luxury.
It’s how your wife feels loved, and when you withhold it intentionally or not, you are slowly disconnecting her from you.
If you are a woman who is starved of affection, I see you.
As a married woman myself, I understand how it is to be treated like a piece of furniture in your own home.
So, you are not asking for too much.
Wanting to be seen and touched by your own husband doesn’t mean you are needy or not independent.
I’m sometimes too independent for my own good, yet physical touch is one of my primary love languages.
Affection starvation will change you if you let it go on for too long.
So, talk to your man!